as usual, my mom was waiting when the bus pulled into the station. she was parked in her regular spot.

one time, when i'd come up, someone else was parked in her spot so she had to take the slot two cars over. pissed at what she called a "ridiculous inconvenience," she'd gotten out of her car and went and sat on the hood of the car that was in her spot. she wanted to make sure i didn't think she wasn't coming.

today, i was looking right at her when she honked for the same reason.

i climbed inside and gave her a good kiss and the best hug the tiny vehicle would allow.

"you hungry?" she asked.

"sure."

"good. Wendy's has a drive thru."

i got one of those square burgers and she got two baked potatoes with sour cream and chives.

we took them back to her pad and ate them on the patio. halfways done she asked for the whole story.

"no story. i made a mistake."

"you were stupid."

"yes."

"did you tell him that yet?"

"he knows that i was stupid. i don't have to tell him."

"i mean did you tell him you made a mistake. that you were sorry."

"you don't just say things like that to him. he's not like other... people."

"nonsense!"

"mom, listen to me. you don't know what he's like. it's taxing to be with someone like that all the time."

"don't you love him?"

"sure. i mean yes! yes, i love him. i didn't do it because i didn't love him."

"why then? i don't understand. didn't i raise you right?"

"oh for chrissake's mom. it's not your fault that i cheated on my boyfriend."

"well, i don't understand. you say you love him and then you go and screw around with this other guy. an American, for goodness' sake. a hippie, probably."

"he's not a hippie, mom. he's a good guy."

"well whatever he is. it's not right."

"i know it's not right. i knew that before i did it."

she gave me the mother-stare that says "are you THAT fucking stupid?"

"what?"

she continued eating her potato.

"i can't explain it. what can i say? it doesn't make sense when i put it into to words. but it made sense in my head."

"it did, did it? well, you know what i think about trusting your head over your--"

"yeah, i know, ma. but this isn't about you, okay? it's about me. it's about what i was feeling."

"it doesn't seem like you were feeling anything worth--"

"mom!"

"sorry. go ahead."

"he's a great guy, okay. i love him and i know he loves me, but sometimes he just suffocates me. and he doesn't do it on purpose. he doesn't even DO it. it just happens. it just is. everyone around him feels it, i think. everyone that gets close to him, anyway. i know you know what i'm talking about."

she nodded, silently.

"well i couldn't take it anymore. i went into sabotage mode and i knowingly fucked myself over by betraying him. did i hope he'd find out? of course not. but i knew he would. and if he didn't, i knew that keeping it secret would have changed me into something that he wouldn't want to be around. either way, i knew it would tear us apart which is what i thought i wanted. but as soon as i felt that boy inside me--"

"M.!"

"no, listen to me: as soon as i felt him inside me i knew that everything had changed. that there was nothing i could do to take it back. 'A word which has once escaped can never be recalled.'*, right?"

"right." she said it quietly, as if she was hoping i wouldn't hear her.

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