as soon as i finished the letter i remembered the conversation that i'd had with my mom the day dobbs and i broke up.

her question made sense now that i knew the two of them had talked on the phone. i can't believe that my mother knew that my lover knew that i cheated on him before i knew it. weeks before.

she'd been leaving messages since i abandoned the phone that day. in each one, she asked me to call her back. i did, but i always called when i knew she was out. on her machine i pretended to be happy and busy and unable to call at other times. i told the machine about Geoff but not that i'd ditched him. i didn't once mention dobbsy and the whole time they were probably talking.

one of my high school friends had always told me never to date boys that my parents approved of. it made breaking up too hard, she'd said. she told me about one time when she brought her new boy home and found her ex having lemonade in the kitchen with her dad. i think i just trumped her.

i decided to cave and pick up the phone.

"hello?"

"it's me, mom."

"well it's about time. what the hell's been going on with you? i've been worried sick. do you think i'm a fool? tell me, do you? you think that i bought those silly messages you were leaving me? do you think that i don't know what you did? we talk, you know, he and i. hell, i've heard more from him in the past few weeks than i have from you."

i decided to let her get it all out rather than try and interrupt with an explanation. there was no explanation. just excuses, and bad ones at that.

"the only reason i didn't come over there and scrub you with a brick was because he asked me not to. he said it would make things worse and that there's no way you two would ever get back if i didn't leave you some place to go--someone to talk to. he's a smart boy, that one. but you didn't talk to me! he couldn't explain that though. he didn't have an answer for that. he kept saying that he knew that you wanted to talk to me. well, you know what i think about want."

she paused, then.

"what do i always say about want, M?"

"you say 'you can want in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first.'"

"that's right."

she became quiet. i knew it would be brief and that she was doing it so i could ask.

"can i come over?"

"do you want to come over?"

"yes." my voice cracked as i said it. "can i?"

another, shorter pause.

"of course you can, sweetie."

"kay."

i hung up the phone, gathered myself as well as i could, and headed out the door.

apparently, you can go home again.

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