SpaHa's bathroom is a fucking closet which made for some short steps as i paced.

i splashed some water on my face and tried to collect my thoughts. what the hell was i going to say to her? why had i asked her to meet?

i'd known that VS was his therapy--his way of dealing with things. i'd known this since we first met--since before we first met for chrissakes as i was one of the damn subscribers before i'd ever met him in the flesh.

i stomped my feet on the ground and cursed that damn list and this tiny fucking bathroom.

i looked in the mirror and i thought that i looked more perturbed than when i'd fist come in here. i paper-toweled the water off my face and took a few deep breaths.

i ignored the sign on the wall and tossed the towels in the toilet.

i exited and hit the bar. i got two shots of tequila and went back onto the patio.

Jenny had her laptop out and was reading something. she quickly closed it as i approached.

i put one of the shots in front of her and the other on the table next to my coffee. she looked at the drinks, then at me.

putting the laptop back in her bag, she spoke: "look, M., i'm sorry. i just checked my email. i hadn't gotten that letter earlier. i'm assuming that's why you called."

that was the opening i was looking for. "letter? what letter?"

she blinked. her face changed.

"um..." she said, and nothing more came out.

i tried to think of something to say to change the subject but everything that came to mind was stupid. i could tell she sensed my lie.

if a tear would have crept out of her eye just then it wouldn't have surprised me. i'm glad one didn't because she wouldn't have been crying out of sadness, but pity.

i felt like shit. it wasn't her fault he'd written about her last night. it wasn't her fault that i'd called her here. and it certainly wasn't her fault that he still had feelings for her.

she got to her feet and gathered her things.

"you know what he used to always say to me?" she asked.

"no."

"love leaves its abusers." [mp3]

and with that, she turned and left.

i sat quietly for a half an hour or so. i watched the people walk by. i watched the streetcars and the punks sitting in front of Cora and Papa Ceo's. i watched my coffee get cold.

i downed both tequilas, put three fins under my coffee mug and left.

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