though i haven't known Sandy as long as some of my other friends, she was definitely closer than most.

we talked about everything. i got the impression that she kept no secrets from me. i'm not like that. i keep secrets from just about everyone. i remember the first time i met Sandy.

it was at a party on Beverley. she was mildly drunk and we were talking about exes.

she told me that she once peed on a guy. i was a little shocked as this was too much information from a stranger.

she said that it was all innocent and that she'd only done it the one time.

"i was sitting on my boyfriend's lap and i told him that i needed to pee. i started to get up and he held me and i couldn't move so i told him that if he didn't let me go, i'd pee on him. he said 'go ahead' and i did. as soon as it happened he let go and i ran to the bathroom. he followed me, climbed into the tub, laid down, and said to pee on him. i straddled him in the tub and peed. it was hilarious. felt like i was peeing for 10 minutes and it was the best piss i'd ever taken."

the other people at the party didn't seem to be paying any attention to us and i didn't know whether i should get up and walk away or just laugh along with her. she found tremendous humour in the retelling.

"anyway, we didn't go out too much longer after that, but i'll never forget him. he was weird. outside of that one incident, he was very vanilla, sex-wise. he never wanted to try anything that i wanted to try. it was always the same old same old. kiss me, bite my tit, make a pseudo-pass of my puss and pretend he was into going down on me, and then put his dick on me. i mean, how much of that can a girl take?

"the bad part though, was that he was a really nice guy, so i didn't really want to just tell him to get lost. he seemed to be trying really hard. he was just, i dunno, pathetic."

"so how'd you get rid of him?"

she leaned forward, elbows on knees, all excited.

"well, my birthday was coming up and we had planned to go to Vancouver to do some skiing. before going, i went out, bought myself a gift, wrapped it, made up a fake card, and put it with our suitcases and other gifts. when he asked what it was i said it was a birthday gift from my friend Sharon and that she told me not to open it until we were at our hotel.

"so, we get to Vancouver and he takes me out for a nice, meaning boring, dinner. he had the chicken and i had the duck. we get back to the hotel and he wants to make love but i don't know if i can take another of his sessions. so i tell him i want to open my presents first.

"i open one of my gifts and it's a hat from my mom. nice hat, too. then i move on to my gift from 'Sharon'. i pull it from the box and feign surprise and delight. 'oh my god!' i say, 'it's just what i wanted!' it's a strap on!"

she just about burst laughing and i couldn't help but join in.

"you should have seen his face. i mean, my god, never have i seen a man turn that color. i look back in the box and there's nothing else there so i pretend i'm all disappointed. 'shit, she forgot the lube!' i say."

it was then that i knew that this chick and i were gonna be friends for a long time. anyone with that evil a sense of humour was aces in my book.

"so, anyway, long story short he's edging for the door and i'm all like 'do you mind going out and getting some?' and he says he doesn't mind at all. that he'll be right back.

"i ordered a glass of red wine from room service and drank it while i waited for him to return. and of course he NEVER comes back. i haven't seen him since. after about an hour i went downstairs and picked up this young guy in the bar. i fucked his brains out--though he wasn't that smart so it wasn't that difficult--making up for lost time spent with Mr. Nice. i still have the strap on but i've never used it. met a guy once who suggested we give it a shot, but i didn't hate him enough to take him up the ass..."

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